Martha's Marvellous Munchies

Yesterday a news story about a " blasphemous sandwich " popped up on my Facebook feed. The cafe in question had a caramelised onion, chutney, cheddar and mozzarella sandwich named the Cheesus Christ, which someone took exception to. They vandalised the cafe sign, demanded that the sandwich be removed from the menu, and - I rather liked this touch - wanted the cafe to donate £300 to the local church. The cafe declined all requests. Well, I'm afraid that tickled my brain. So may I introduce my latest business venture, The Sacred Sandwich Cafe. Donations to any church in your vicinity are welcome, whether you are offended or not. Menu Breakfast The Holy Toast - French toast topped with vanilla yoghurt, fresh strawberries, and maple syrup. A spiritual experience. Eggs-alted on High - two poached eggs on super-seeded bread. Guaranteed to raise you from slumber. Bacon-viction of Sin - unforgivably large bread roll stuffed with thick-cut bacon. Sandwiches The Great I Ham - B...

Chocolate avocado mousse.  It is a thing, apparently.  And not just a thing as in weird recipes you find on wacky websites - no, this was in a genuine published cookery book.  Entitled, since you ask, River Cottage Light & Easy by Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.  Although I'm sure you can find it on any number of wacky websites too. So I had a couple of avocados that had been sitting in the fridge for ages, and I was convinced they were about to dissolve into slushy puddles if I didn't use them soon.  Of course, one of them turned out to be rock hard.  Another root in the fridge produced about 100ml of pureed tinned pears, left from an experiment in making pear and elderflower ice lollies.  So, into the food processor went the one ripe avocado, 3 tbsp of cocoa powder, the pear mush and a couple of teaspoons of honey.  One good whizz later, it had amalgamated into a pretty good mousse-like mixture that tasted much more like chocolate than avoca...

Seven things that you may or may not find interesting.  But first, a picture. Weekend Cottage 2 by Toby White.  Note the numbers above the doors, the chimney (and are those solar panels?) on the roof, and on the right, a tap with hose attached.  All his houses include this feature. 1.  I have six growbags in the back of my car.  This is the cheap and cheerful approach to starting a vegetable garden.  Once the frost has finished, the plan is to fill them with courgettes, spring onions, rocket, green beans and tomatoes.  Out of all those, tomatoes are the only ones I have grown before, but apparently they are all easy to cultivate. Shiny seed packets! And yes, I will take the growbags out of my car first.  Unless the weather is so bad that I need an impromptu greenhouse solution, in which case mine's the vehicle with green beans hanging out the window. 2.  Toby at dinner tonight: "I've tried the fishcakes and they're not good....

"I'm playing Snakes and Ladders with Jesus, because I haven't got anyone else to play with." Lest you think I have a super-spiritual four-year-old, I should inform you that we have a plastic Jesus figure that a friend gave Graham as a joke.  If Jesus is not around to play games, the toy penguin or dog get roped in.  Toby's pretty much board game crazy right now. But usually it's Mum or Dad who gets to sit down and play endless rounds of Ludo, Three Little Pigs, or the current favourite, Snakes and Ladders.  None of these are exactly challenging (although Toby is surprisingly good at winning), so you get plenty of time to ponder the deeper questions of life.  Such as, what sadist designed the Snakes and Ladders board? Oh yes, it's a very cunning design.  At the bottom you have lots of lovely ladders to go bouncing up, so you get halfway up the board in no time at all and think you'll win super easily.  But if you miss the mega-ladder up to 8...

When we lived in America, we occasionally got to confuse people with our strange English habits, such as putting butter on sandwiches or eating baked beans as part of breakfast.  Now that we're back in the UK, we occasionally get to confuse people with the strange things we learnt across the pond. Our small group at church is a wonderful bunch of people, who have helped keep me sane in the craziness of moving to a new place and bringing up two boys.  Between us we represent quite a number of different nationalities, so when we had to set up a table at church to tell people who we are, someone suggested that we could bring food from our respective countries.  A lady of Indian origin volunteered to bring onion bhajis, and I tried to think of something distinctively American. After flicking through a few recipe books, I settled on Chex mix as something that was well-known in the US, easy to make for a crowd, and unlikely to make a huge mess.  Chex cereal is not easi...

It was when the donkeys started nibbling my arm that I decided the time had come for action.  Launching myself over the gate, I nervously approached a lady with hot pink hair.  "I'm very sorry," I started, "but could you possibly show me the way out?" In case you think I've started blogging about my dreams, let me assure you that I was wide awake at the time.  The walk had started off innocently enough.  Theo was happily ensconced in the carrier, and we strode cheerfully across a green and growing field under a sunny sky.  A couple of stiles and a little bridge later, we found ourselves in a small wood.  Butterflies flitted by, and hazel trees arched over the path, creating an inviting tunnel. A few steps in, though, I realised it was a rather muddy tunnel.  The wet underfoot was quickly seeping through my battered trainers.  My jeans had been not only clean that morning, but also brand new.  They were now decorated with dirt splashes...

Welcome to the world!  For the next two months you are officially the second cutest thing in the universe.*  Make the most of it.  A carefully timed smile will get you anything, even when you've just spat milk over their best clothes.  You will find you have particular influence on women over the age of 50, especially if their name is Grandma.  Here are some other useful notes for your first few weeks of life. The one they call Mum is your food supply.  It is imperative you keep track of her at all times.  If she shows the slightest inclination towards an independent life; for example, by having a shower, reading a book, or even, heaven forbid, trying to leave the house without you, start screaming immediately.  This is a clear violation of your baby rights. It is recommended that you activate your extra-sensory device as soon as possible after birth.  This cunning gadget enables you to detect when your family sits down to eat, even if...

"Yea and verily, I proclaim unto thee... Oh, hang on, what century is it on Earth these days?  The 21st? Dang it, I forgot the iPhone.  Can you understand me if I don't use Twitter? OK, let's try this again.  Ummm... Hey, right, you're something special, y'know?  And the Big Man is, like, right here with you? Nononono, don't cry!  What did I say wrong?  I haven't even got to the difficult bit yet.  Seriously.  Here, have a tissue and pull yourself together. OK, now God's really happy with you, got it?  Hold that thought.  And behold... no, sorry, sorry... And, like, you're gonna have a baby, right?  Yeah, hang onto that tissue, I've got another one if you need it. Yup, a baby.  Little boy.  He's gonna be awesome, trust me on that.  He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High... oh, don't worry, I'll send you a Facebook message with all that later. No, I know you haven't been sleep...

Watchman Vacancy for a motivated and responsible individual to keep watch for the Lord's return.  Immediate start; duration unknown.  Remuneration will be discussed on application but is expected to include eternal reward. The ideal candidate will have previous experience of divine-human interactions and a proven track record of staying awake on the job. A good singing voice is desirable but not required.  Training will be given in God-recognition as needed.  A head for heights is essential, as daily shifts will be undertaken on a high watchtower. Duties include watching and listening for any signs of the Anointed One, relaying words from God to others as appropriate, and compiling accurate reports of any supernatural occurrences observed during your shift.  Should the return of the Lord take place, a joyful song is mandatory, although tunefulness will depend entirely on the candidate's musical ability. All interested candidates should apply online with ...

When the poor and needy seek water,      and there is none,      and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them;      I the God of Israel will not forsake them.   I will open rivers on the bare heights,      and fountains in the midst of the valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water,      and the dry land springs of water. Isaiah 41:17-18

For some reason baby equipment is an area in which American English differs markedly from British English. As well as learning how to care for a baby, we had to learn a whole new vocabulary! Fortunately we are now fluently bilingual, and I have compiled a handy US-UK baby dictionary for you. Diaper n. Nappy Mom says if you can read this change my diaper. The first time you change one of these you will be all thumbs and stick the little adhesive tabs to yourself, the baby and probably the changing mat before you get them where they ought to go. A few years later you will be able to lasso a running toddler and change them before they even know what's happened (yes, I have seen it done). You will also get through more diapers than you ever thought possible, creating scary amounts of expense and waste. Hence we are now mostly using: Cloth diaper n. Reusable nappy Cool baby. No longer those terry squares, the main drawback is that there are now so many types it can be qu...

Today I passed my driving test! Texas insists that you take its own personal driving test if you move from a different country, cheerfully disregarding the previous decade of driving experience you may have accumulated. Still, at least they don't take your UK drivers licence and shred it in front of you, as happens if you move from another state. I'm not sure I could have coped with the trauma. The plus side of a decade of being behind a wheel is that this was considerably less nerve-wracking than my original test. It was also a lot easier, involving one parallel parking maneuver and a 10-minute drive around some almost empty streets. Unfortunately the Texas Department of Public Safety appears to be allergic to the appointment system. So you line up to be given some forms to fill out and a number. When your number is called you stand in another line to have your photo taken and do the computer-based test. You then get in your car and wait in a third line until a drivi...

One of the pitfalls of moving to a different country is that words often mean something different to what you think they mean. A trolley is a form of transport that runs on rails down the street, rather than something you put your shopping in. That's a cart. Which doesn't carry as much of a connotation of "horse and" as it does in the UK. And I was recently gently informed that "jugs" more usually refer to a part of the female anatomy than to something you put milk in. I will have to get used to saying "pitcher". Isn't that what you hang on a wall? After a few years here, we are mostly au fait with the local lingo, and manage to turn up at the right place and avoid offending the natives. However, on Friday night, Graham found out that there was a gospel music concert going on at a local church. Our Americanism detector did not light up, and the predominant picture in both our heads was something like this: Big choir, bright colours, high-...

This is a real organisation. I am not kidding.

I know... three posts in one day. Bit over the top, isn't it? But this is just a quickie. A guy I know called Anil is part of a band called Mirrorkicks, and they've just put their latest song and video on YouTube - a stop-action Lego extravaganza! Watch and enjoy...

On Saturday the Firestone Cares team (a couple called Greg and Sheri, who organise social events for the apartment block) put on a "Soup Off" competition, and we decided to enter. We had a flick through some recipe books and decided on carrot and orange soup, a standard cook-veg-and-blend type soup which might come to mind if you thought "home-made soup". We were told to bring a sign to identify it, too, so wrote the name in large capital letters on a sheet of A4, and took it, along with our saucepan of soup wrapped in a towel to keep warm, over to the clubhouse. Well. Pretty much everyone else had these sophisticated slow cookers/crockpots which they'd plugged in to keep the soup hot, and these itty-bitty signs to say what the soup was. And what was in the crockpots? Huge hearty meaty dishes like stews, ranging from chowders to gumbos to straight-out chili con carne. So this is what Texans call soup! We felt Different with a capital D, with our little veg...

Back in the olden days, when it was a major undertaking to get from, say, Bristol to London, or even Bristol to Weston-super-Mare, and so most people didn't bother, it is said that you could place people within 10 miles or so by their accent. Now that we've built motorways and everyone spends their days whizzing up and down them, you have to go a bit further to get your accent noticed, but moving 3700 miles from Bristol to Texas certainly does the trick. Of course, I don't really have an accent - I speak quite normally, thank you very much, but everyone else talks funny around here, so naturally I stand out as different. It's been a strange experience to be marked out the minute I open my mouth. About the second thing everyone says to me is, "You're not from around here" or, "Where are you from?" Even though we talk the same language (well, almost), the way I speak says I'm a newbie, a stranger, something exotic. Fortunately the thir...