Skip to main content

How to be a baby

Welcome to the world!  For the next two months you are officially the second cutest thing in the universe.*  Make the most of it.  A carefully timed smile will get you anything, even when you've just spat milk over their best clothes.  You will find you have particular influence on women over the age of 50, especially if their name is Grandma.  Here are some other useful notes for your first few weeks of life.

  • The one they call Mum is your food supply.  It is imperative you keep track of her at all times.  If she shows the slightest inclination towards an independent life; for example, by having a shower, reading a book, or even, heaven forbid, trying to leave the house without you, start screaming immediately.  This is a clear violation of your baby rights.

  • It is recommended that you activate your extra-sensory device as soon as possible after birth.  This cunning gadget enables you to detect when your family sits down to eat, even if you are apparently fast asleep or in another room.  Your belly is, of course, the most important one in the house, and should be fed first.  Don't hesitate to let them know.

  • If you are placed near or in a large bowl of water, the person concerned is obviously trying to drown you.  Don't be fooled by any of this talk about needing a bath.  You are entitled to make as much fuss as possible until safely dry and dressed again, and hopefully they will think twice before trying that again.

  • Full body contact with another human being should be insisted on at all times.  Being put down by yourself is the thin end of the wedge; next thing you know they'll be expecting independent mobility and making you do your own laundry.

  • The best time to pee or poo is right after your nappy has been removed.  Bonus points if you hit the adult in the face, or manage to dirty two outfits at once.  The inconvenience of being changed for the fifth time in one day is well worth it for the entertainment value, believe me.

  • Above all, don't forget to cultivate that slightly drunk, cross-eyed look.  Remember, they think we know nothing.  The floppier and sillier you act, the better.  Don't be the one to give the game away!

*According to research, kittens beat human babies to the number one spot by a whisker.  Sorry.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

St Editha's Way, Day 1

St Editha was a Mercian saint who was Abbess of Polesworth in Warwickshire in the 10th century. Mercia was one of the old kingdoms and a powerful one; it covered much of the central part of the country before England was united under Æthelstan in 927. St Editha's family tree is unclear, but she may have been Æthelstan's sister. After a brief marriage, she was widowed, and took monastic vows. There are several churches dedicated to her in the Tamworth and Polesworth area. modern statue of St Editha And now, there is a new pilgrimage route connecting St Editha's churches and going onwards to Lichfield Cathedral. Early on a Sunday morning, I set out to walk it. The logistics had taken a bit of working out. I drove to Tamworth (free parking on Sundays!) and caught the 748 bus to Polesworth. It was my private chariot for the first half of the journey, clattering loudly over the speed bumps, although a couple of other people got on before I alighted. Abbey Green Park in Poleswor...
Post a Comment
Read more

St Editha's Way, day 2

For the first day of St Editha's Way, see here . I had walked from Polesworth to Tamworth and stayed in Tamworth overnight. Today, the journey continued to Lichfield. I think I was the only person staying in the hotel last night. Certainly I was the only person having breakfast. I felt a little sorry for the two men who had had to get up early to cook and serve it to their one and only customer. Tamworth Castle, Monday morning St Ruffin's Well was mentioned on the pilgrimage brochure as a place to see. I hadn't found it yesterday, so I went back to the castle area to take a look. I don't think there's been a well there for a long time, but there is a plaque tacked on to the wall of the shopping centre, giving an approximate location. I also wandered over to Borrowpit Lake while I was waiting for St Editha's Church to open. St Editha's, Tamworth, is a very impressive building. Tall arches, painted ceilings, and modern wooden partitions for cafe and shop areas...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ten books that shaped my life

Ten books that shaped my life in some way.  Now that wasn't a problem.  I scanned the bookshelves and picked out nine favourites without the slightest difficulty (the tenth took a little longer). The problem was that, on the Facebook challenge, I wasn't supposed to explain why .  Nope.  Having picked out my ten, I couldn't let them go without saying why they were special to me. These books are more than a collection of words by an author.  They are particular editions of those words - taped-up, egg-stained, dust-jacketless and battered - which have come into my life, been carried around to different homes, and become part of who I am. How to Be a Domestic Goddess Well, every woman needs an instruction manual, doesn't she? Nigella's recipes mean lazy Saturday mornings eating pancakes, comforting crumbles on a rainy night, Christmas cakes, savoury onion pies and mounds of bread dough.  If you avoid the occasional extravagance (20 mini Bundt tins...
3 comments
Read more