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How to be a baby

Welcome to the world!  For the next two months you are officially the second cutest thing in the universe.*  Make the most of it.  A carefully timed smile will get you anything, even when you've just spat milk over their best clothes.  You will find you have particular influence on women over the age of 50, especially if their name is Grandma.  Here are some other useful notes for your first few weeks of life.

  • The one they call Mum is your food supply.  It is imperative you keep track of her at all times.  If she shows the slightest inclination towards an independent life; for example, by having a shower, reading a book, or even, heaven forbid, trying to leave the house without you, start screaming immediately.  This is a clear violation of your baby rights.

  • It is recommended that you activate your extra-sensory device as soon as possible after birth.  This cunning gadget enables you to detect when your family sits down to eat, even if you are apparently fast asleep or in another room.  Your belly is, of course, the most important one in the house, and should be fed first.  Don't hesitate to let them know.

  • If you are placed near or in a large bowl of water, the person concerned is obviously trying to drown you.  Don't be fooled by any of this talk about needing a bath.  You are entitled to make as much fuss as possible until safely dry and dressed again, and hopefully they will think twice before trying that again.

  • Full body contact with another human being should be insisted on at all times.  Being put down by yourself is the thin end of the wedge; next thing you know they'll be expecting independent mobility and making you do your own laundry.

  • The best time to pee or poo is right after your nappy has been removed.  Bonus points if you hit the adult in the face, or manage to dirty two outfits at once.  The inconvenience of being changed for the fifth time in one day is well worth it for the entertainment value, believe me.

  • Above all, don't forget to cultivate that slightly drunk, cross-eyed look.  Remember, they think we know nothing.  The floppier and sillier you act, the better.  Don't be the one to give the game away!

*According to research, kittens beat human babies to the number one spot by a whisker.  Sorry.

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