Skip to main content

How to be a baby

Welcome to the world!  For the next two months you are officially the second cutest thing in the universe.*  Make the most of it.  A carefully timed smile will get you anything, even when you've just spat milk over their best clothes.  You will find you have particular influence on women over the age of 50, especially if their name is Grandma.  Here are some other useful notes for your first few weeks of life.

  • The one they call Mum is your food supply.  It is imperative you keep track of her at all times.  If she shows the slightest inclination towards an independent life; for example, by having a shower, reading a book, or even, heaven forbid, trying to leave the house without you, start screaming immediately.  This is a clear violation of your baby rights.

  • It is recommended that you activate your extra-sensory device as soon as possible after birth.  This cunning gadget enables you to detect when your family sits down to eat, even if you are apparently fast asleep or in another room.  Your belly is, of course, the most important one in the house, and should be fed first.  Don't hesitate to let them know.

  • If you are placed near or in a large bowl of water, the person concerned is obviously trying to drown you.  Don't be fooled by any of this talk about needing a bath.  You are entitled to make as much fuss as possible until safely dry and dressed again, and hopefully they will think twice before trying that again.

  • Full body contact with another human being should be insisted on at all times.  Being put down by yourself is the thin end of the wedge; next thing you know they'll be expecting independent mobility and making you do your own laundry.

  • The best time to pee or poo is right after your nappy has been removed.  Bonus points if you hit the adult in the face, or manage to dirty two outfits at once.  The inconvenience of being changed for the fifth time in one day is well worth it for the entertainment value, believe me.

  • Above all, don't forget to cultivate that slightly drunk, cross-eyed look.  Remember, they think we know nothing.  The floppier and sillier you act, the better.  Don't be the one to give the game away!

*According to research, kittens beat human babies to the number one spot by a whisker.  Sorry.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

National Forest Way: The End!

The National Forest Way finishes at Beacon Hill, Leicestershire, with beautiful wide-ranging views in all directions. I'd been hoping for a sunny day, and this one certainly fit the bill. The frosty earth lay under a glorious canopy of shining blue sky. I parked at Swithland Wood, close to where we finished the previous walk. Finding the waymarker on the first gate was bittersweet - this was the last time I would be following these familiar circles.   Swithland Wood had been acquired by the Rotary Club in 1931, and later passed on to Bradgate Park Trust. The lumpy terrain was due to slate quarrying. I skirted a couple of fenced-off pits. As I left the wood, I passed a lake which I assumed was another flooded quarry, but with an odd little tower next to the water. I followed a road up a steady hill towards Woodhouse Eaves. Many of the houses were surrounded by walls of the local slate. Woodhouse Eaves was a prosperous-looking village with some nice old buildings. Crossing the wide ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Theme: Body

I didn't plan this to be a theme week, but Toby's new refrain has become, "I want to do something else " (how does he know it's the school holidays?)  Something else turned into my digging out my body-themed activities and roll of cheap wallpaper.  So here we go! First thing to do is draw a body, and fortunately I had a handy template.  Lie down, Toby! Just ignore the face.  And lack of neck.  I know it's not a great likeness, but he really is that tall.  How on earth did that happen? He knew pretty much all the body labels already, so I can't really claim it as a learning opportunity.  Still, revision is good, right?  And everyone enjoys colouring on a huge sheet of paper. Another sheet of wallpaper became a blank canvas for hand and foot painting.  Fortunately it's been great weather, as outside is always the best place to do this.  Even with a strategically placed tub of water for washing off in. I've gone gree...
1 comment
Read more

Austin part 2

Well, I wrote about Bats, Bluebonnets and Breakfast Tacos in a previous post, but that only seemed to cover about half of what we actually did in Austin (were we really there only for a weekend?). And we had several more great photos that Graham has been bugging me to post on my blog, so prepare yourselves for an extravaganza of colour, light and image! Austin is known as a great place for live music, which presumably explains the psychadelic guitars left lying around the streets. Here's Graham with a couple of his dream instruments. We visited the Texas State Capitol, built on a grand scale from tons of pink granite and limestone. The state capit o l, you understand, is located in the state capit a l. Don't get confused. Americans definitely tend towards the domes-and-pillars school of architecture for their governmental buildings. I had a feeling this was true, so did a quick search for corroborating evidence and discovered this great site by a ph...
Post a Comment
Read more