Skip to main content

How to be a baby

Welcome to the world!  For the next two months you are officially the second cutest thing in the universe.*  Make the most of it.  A carefully timed smile will get you anything, even when you've just spat milk over their best clothes.  You will find you have particular influence on women over the age of 50, especially if their name is Grandma.  Here are some other useful notes for your first few weeks of life.

  • The one they call Mum is your food supply.  It is imperative you keep track of her at all times.  If she shows the slightest inclination towards an independent life; for example, by having a shower, reading a book, or even, heaven forbid, trying to leave the house without you, start screaming immediately.  This is a clear violation of your baby rights.

  • It is recommended that you activate your extra-sensory device as soon as possible after birth.  This cunning gadget enables you to detect when your family sits down to eat, even if you are apparently fast asleep or in another room.  Your belly is, of course, the most important one in the house, and should be fed first.  Don't hesitate to let them know.

  • If you are placed near or in a large bowl of water, the person concerned is obviously trying to drown you.  Don't be fooled by any of this talk about needing a bath.  You are entitled to make as much fuss as possible until safely dry and dressed again, and hopefully they will think twice before trying that again.

  • Full body contact with another human being should be insisted on at all times.  Being put down by yourself is the thin end of the wedge; next thing you know they'll be expecting independent mobility and making you do your own laundry.

  • The best time to pee or poo is right after your nappy has been removed.  Bonus points if you hit the adult in the face, or manage to dirty two outfits at once.  The inconvenience of being changed for the fifth time in one day is well worth it for the entertainment value, believe me.

  • Above all, don't forget to cultivate that slightly drunk, cross-eyed look.  Remember, they think we know nothing.  The floppier and sillier you act, the better.  Don't be the one to give the game away!

*According to research, kittens beat human babies to the number one spot by a whisker.  Sorry.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mr White Watson of Bakewell

Once upon a time, back in 1795 or so, lived a man who was always asking questions.  The kind of questions like, "Why is glass transparent?" or "Why do fruit trees grow better in that place than in this place?" or "What does the earth look like underneath the surface?"  This last question was one that he was particularly interested in, and he went so far as to work out what the rock layers looked like where he lived, and draw little pictures of them.  Now he was a marble sculptor by trade (as well as fossil hunter, mineral seller, and a few other things) so he thought it would be even better to make his little pictures in stone.  That way he could represent the layers using the actual rocks they were composed of.  Over the course of his lifetime he made almost 100 of these tablets, as he called them. Then he died.  And no one else was quite as interested in all those rocks and minerals as he was.  His collection was sold off, bit by bit, and the table...
Post a Comment
Read more

Portway: Down to the Derwent and back up again

I've never been to Holbrook before. It's a small village on a hill, just south of Belper, and I instantly like it. Look at the view! And interesting buildings too. I leave my car to enjoy the scenery and head down Stony Lane. Good thing I didn't bring a vehicle for this bit - there are several signs warning me that This Is Not A Road. I pass a few farms and the back of Holbrook School for Autism and come out on Port Way, just where I left it last time . A short distance up the road is St Michael's Church, which has a semi-circular window, a secret tunnel, and a sprawling graveyard. The church is closed today. I'm now back in the centre of Holbrook. I take a left on Mellors Lane and soon leave the houses behind. There's a good playground. I still find myself rating play equipment, even though my boys are far too old for it now! I cross a couple of fields, then the ground starts to slope downhill, with a fantastic view across the Derwent Valley. There's a squa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Baby Language

For some reason baby equipment is an area in which American English differs markedly from British English. As well as learning how to care for a baby, we had to learn a whole new vocabulary! Fortunately we are now fluently bilingual, and I have compiled a handy US-UK baby dictionary for you. Diaper n. Nappy Mom says if you can read this change my diaper. The first time you change one of these you will be all thumbs and stick the little adhesive tabs to yourself, the baby and probably the changing mat before you get them where they ought to go. A few years later you will be able to lasso a running toddler and change them before they even know what's happened (yes, I have seen it done). You will also get through more diapers than you ever thought possible, creating scary amounts of expense and waste. Hence we are now mostly using: Cloth diaper n. Reusable nappy Cool baby. No longer those terry squares, the main drawback is that there are now so many types it can be qu...
5 comments
Read more