Yesterday a news story about a "blasphemous sandwich" popped up on my Facebook feed. The cafe in question had a caramelised onion, chutney, cheddar and mozzarella sandwich named the Cheesus Christ, which someone took exception to. They vandalised the cafe sign, demanded that the sandwich be removed from the menu, and - I rather liked this touch - wanted the cafe to donate £300 to the local church. The cafe declined all requests.
Well, I'm afraid that tickled my brain. So may I introduce my latest business venture, The Sacred Sandwich Cafe. Donations to any church in your vicinity are welcome, whether you are offended or not.
The Holy Toast - French toast topped with vanilla yoghurt, fresh strawberries, and maple syrup. A spiritual experience.
Eggs-alted on High - two poached eggs on super-seeded bread. Guaranteed to raise you from slumber.
Bacon-viction of Sin - unforgivably large bread roll stuffed with thick-cut bacon.
The Great I Ham - Bow down before this sandwich, full of honey roast ham, lettuce, tomato, mustard, mayo and pickles.
Prawn Again - Cross-ty white bread filled with lemony prawn mayo. You'll feel like a new person!
Turn the Other Cheek'n - You'll be ready to forgive all your enemies when you've eaten this beautiful sandwich containing lightly spiced chicken breast, cucumber and tomato.
Tunafish-ers of Men - Come, follow me to a perfect tuna and sweetcorn sandwich.
Render Unto Caesar Salad - romaine lettuce, chicken, caesar dressing and croutons. Worth every penny.
Lettuce Pray - Mixed salad leaves topped with halloumi cheese, strawberries and toasted pecans. Give thanks for every bite.
The Truth Will Set You Brie - bacon, brie and cranberry panini. It's true!
Hot God - sacred sausage in a bread roll, topped with fried onions, mustard and relish. Divine.
Bacon-substantiation - a substantial mouthful of bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomato and fried egg, all in a giant bread roll. Not quite the body of Christ, but pretty close.
Cheesus Christ - panini with melted cheddar and mozzarella, Mediterranean vegetables and basil pesto. A genuine saviour!