Skip to main content

The Normality of Normal

To a child, everything is normal.

Who knows what is normal for an egg?

As a parent, this presents us with quite a responsibility.  Because we very quickly realise that whatever - whatever - we do will be regarded as the way things are.  From bedtime routines to parents arguing, from TV time to what we eat - everything is normal for our child.  They have nothing else to compare it to.

And even when they do get old enough to realise that not everyone lives like we do, it's still the other people that are different.  Not us.  Not for a long time.  Perhaps, for certain things, even for the rest of our lives, even when we know better.

No, this is normal.  Really.

The problem is, as adults, we are still, most of us, trying to work out what's normal.  Especially when we have children, and suddenly a whole host of things become normal that never were before.  Like feeding a baby five times in the night, or negotiating with a screaming toddler in the supermarket, or explaining all of our bodily functions to a curious four-year-old.  It's no wonder we find ourselves surreptitiously looking around: are we doing this right?  does everyone else have this problem?

Because normal, of course, is defined by those around us.  That's where normal gets weird.  For example, we walk to school almost every day.  In this place, at this time, that is not normal.  There are a handful of other families that do the same; most drive.  But in this place fifty years ago, that would be normal.  It would also be normal not to have a TV, a smartphone, or a computerThese days, worries about screen time notwithstanding, that would be a serious disadvantage.  You just would not fit in.

Of course, we don't always want to fit in.  By the time we reach adulthood, we have spent a certain amount of time considering how different we want to be.  We know that being comfortable is more important to us than wearing the same thing as everyone else, or that being vegetarian is more important to us than eating what everyone else does.  But then you have a child, and are forced to consider how much to impose those differences on another human being.

I don't think this is normal, though.

In the novel About a Boy, Marcus, the boy of the title, has a mother who is firm on her views about things like eating at McDonalds and buying fashionable footwear.  Will, the single, commitment-free guy who is unwillingly dragged into their family affairs, immediately diagnoses Marcus as needing a decent haircut and a pair of Adidas trainers.  Through his influence, both Marcus and his mum start to reassess each other's values and decide what is important to them.

We generally don't want our kids to be bullied because of our differences.  But also, we don't want to give up what is important to us in order to fit in with the ever-changing normal.  Engaging with other people provides useful checks and balances - yes, these temper tantrums are usual - but provide us with endless comparison worries (shouldn't he be talking by now?)  We're always questioning ourselves, always trying to find that perfect balance.

Don't worry.  It's normal.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Easter holidays 2025

It felt like a busy Easter holiday this year - a nice mixture of household jobs, time in the sunshine, and family celebrations. Here are a few highlights. Birthday cake Graham's mum had a big birthday, so Graham and his sister secretly organised a few friends to come to dinner with her. She was surprised - and pleased! - when a small family meal at the pub turned out to include fifteen extra people. Theo baked and decorated this amazing cake all by himself. My sole involvement was cutting it up at the end. The event was a big success. thanks to my mum for the photo Days out We had a family day out at Peak Wildlife Park , in the Staffordshire countryside. It's been a few years since we last went; the penguins and lemurs were familiar, but the zoo has acquired a couple of polar bears. Believe it or not, these two are only half-grown. They're about three years old. playfighting polar bears lemurs penguins otters   I persuaded Toby and Theo to come to a garden with me with the ...

The Churnet Way: a wonderful walk

The loop from Oakamoor to Froghall and back was one of the most enjoyable walks I've done in a long time. It had a bit of everything: woods, ponds, rivers and railways; steep climbs and sweeping views; an unusual church, an ex-industrial wharf, and, as a final bonus, car parks with toilets. Of course, the sunny weather helped too. I parked in Oakamoor and set off along a quiet lane called Stoney Dale. This is the route of the Churnet Way, which deviates away from the river for a couple of miles. After a while I turned right and climbed up through the woods on a gravelly path, then dropped down to the B5417. a spring in Oakamoor   Crossing the road, I entered Hawksmoor Nature Reserve. It has some fine gateposts commemorating John Richard Beech Masefield, "a great naturalist". I found a photo of the opening of the gateway in 1933; unsurprisingly, the trees have grown a lot since then! A track took me down through the woods to East Wall Farm. Lovely view! Nice duck pond as ...

One hundred churches

About the middle of January, I was walking to school one afternoon when it occurred to me that I must have visited quite a few churches on my explorations. I started counting them. But I quickly ran out of fingers, so when I got home I plotted them on Google Maps. Not only was the number much higher than I was expecting, it was also tantalisingly close to one hundred. Only a few dozen to go. So of course, every walk since then has had to include at least one church! Last Monday I visited my hundredth church: St John the Baptist, Dethick. It was a beautiful little 13-century building with an unusual tower - I was glad it had claimed the 100 spot. I haven't been inside every church. Sometimes they were locked; sometimes I was in a hurry and didn't try the door. St Leonard's Church in Alton had bellringers practicing, and I almost interrupted a funeral when I stuck my head through the door of St Mary's, Marston-on-Dove. A few, such as St Oswald's, Ashbourne, and St Wys...